No More Cheese

Last night in bed it was so hot I had to sleep with the duvet between my legs just to stop them sticking; seriously, it was like trying to prise open a grilled cheese sandwich.

Speaking of all things cheesy (though thankfully nothing to do with what is going on in between my legs thank you) I have started a new diet. Basically I will try not to eat anything until I can successfully emulate an Ethiopian and make my fortune modeling for National Geographic in my dream home of a mud hut. I want to lose about 3 stone and on Monday I weighed 14st 4lbs so yes I am trying to go from beached whale to svelte sexy young man.

Vampires, Filling Butts With Water, £1.25 A Pint and A House of Bacon

Well I was meant to write this yesterday, but I totally got bogged down in my hard life of drinking 15 gallons of water and stuffing my face with crisps and watching Kathy Griffin's My Life on the D List so I'm afraid it's up a little late. I've detailed my adventures from Tuesday so please, enjoy!


So the day didn't start off too great when I awoke with the most banging headache, the kind that heat induces and is made only worse by the fact that my face had got stuck mid-rotation during the night and was just moving the hot air into my face - which is weird cos usually the hot air is coming out of it.


I had to be up and about for my blood test at 10.55 and had to go and turn on the hose at my friend's dads allotment to fill up the water butt - and I am really not a morning person so obviously I thought all this early morning activity was fantastic and I greeted it like Mel Gibson would greet a Jew at his door.


I threw on the same shorts I'd been wearing for the last week and a half (weirdly I'm wearing them now but they have been washed - what can I say, when you gain as much weight as I do in a short space of time it's only a matter of time until the only thing that fits you are one pair of shorts and a mumu fashioned out some recycled curtains.) I also wore a top with Zippy on it, so people probably thought I was a jackass who had never even watched Rainbow before (just like when I diss on people for wearing Rolling Stones and The Beatles tops when they obviously have no clue. I get a bit of shit sometimes for wearing my Magic Roundabout t-shirt - urr excuse me, I love Dylan, Dougal and Brian thank you very much... Or is it Bryan? Who cares.).


So I went and turned the hose on and stuck it in the butt (teehee) and on my way to the Clinic for my blood test I started to get a little bit nervous, I'm fine with needles and stuff but I always get a bit worried right before, and also it didn't help that it was almost 16 billion degrees outside so I started sweating like Paris Hilton whenever she encounters simple math.


I was so hot that when I actually got into the vampire's room, the nurse took one look at my sweaty face/neck/chest/back/groin and asked "Are you alright?" Make sure you lean all the way back in the chair and do you want a drink?"
Of course, me trying to be the great comedian I am answered "A vodka would go down well right now." The look I received cemented the fact in my mind that she thought I was a complete alcoholic who should be locked up, sent to Azkaban and sucked by a Dementor.
So my blood was stolen, probably to be sent off to some Nazi lab to figure out the cure for gay and I was royally fucked off I didn't get a lolly. It's like "bitch I know there's a whole jar of them behind you give me a blue one NOW."


Walking back to the allotment to check on the hose I felt like a complete knob with the "plaster" on my arm - why is it called a plaster? It's just some bloody sticky tap and a ball of fluff, should be called sticky fluff or flufstick or this-is-not-a-plaster-just-a-device-to-make-you-look-like-a-mong. Hmmmmm... might copyright that. I mean, it makes you walk around with you arm bent around as though you are trying to show it off so you can earn some street cred just cos you're so 'ard.

So I did all my allotment thing - so many bloody old people there at 11 in the morning, it's as though the old folks home just turfs them out and tricks them into thinking it's wartime so they grow prize winning vegetables for their evil masters.


I had been invited out that evening by my lovely friend Bacon (yes that is her surname) to go to Southend to the pub as a welcome home party for her as she had been travelling Italy for a month. Jammy bitch.
Never one to turn down a night of heinous drinking I accepted and made myself look sexy (weirdly enough in the aforementioned Magic Roundabout t-shirt).


I have a problem with my ankles, where if I have to walk to the train station or the corner shop, they just give up on me and feel like they've burst into flame, though I can walk anywhere else and they are fine - what is up with that?
So by the time I get to the train station at about 20 to 5 my ankles are viciously on fire, my Paris Hilton sweat has returned but now it's more a kinda Lindsay Lohan confronted with a random drugs test cascade.


Whilst on the train my blood test patch started aching so I started moving my arm around, and the man opposite me just stared at me as though I was conjuring some ancient voodoo to eat his daughter and his dog. Ok that was a lie, he doesn't have a daughter - can I say total fag?


So I finally arrive at the pub with Bacon and a couple of her friends including Rob who is one of her university housemates down in gay ol Brighton.With pints being £1.25 it became pretty evident I was in no state to catch my 10.30 train back home so I was loving coerced into going back to Bacon's house (which can I say is like a million miles away from where I live). So drunk as skunks me, Bacon and Rob made in back to her house (after I had lost a whole new pack of cigarettes - FUCKING RAGE  cannot even describe this feeling, I am still bitching about it now.). The second we were in Bacon's house her mother asked her what she had been doing all night and Bacon just cried out "SMOKING DA REEFA!" so now her mother believes we're all stoners.

Now, even though they are just friends, there is a whole of sexual tension between Bacon and Rob - they are basically like brother and sister, but you just know they will move to Norfolk or Alabama, fuck each other and children with six arms and three teeth.


Waking up the next morning was a wonderful experience, got hit by a hangover that felt like Oprah was sitting on me hoping to turn me into a charity case.
And what was the first thing I did?

Obviously I took pictures of Bacon and Rob sleeping, it's what any caring friend would do. I am always the first to wake up and it's so awkward! I had a cottonmouth and all I could think was that I need better meth connections so I can pass out with the rest of them.


Now Bacon's house was slightly strange, I don't know whether they are moving out soon or not, but there were boxes of stuff everywhere, but at least the ones in the bath said "nice day" so it made me feel slightly better.

So those were my adventures from Tuesday, hopefully I'll be off on more very soon!

Just noticed....

All my posts have different fonts and sizes. How annoying.

A song I made up in my new YouTube video that wouldn't upload

There was a young lady called Charlee
Whose face was rather gnarly
She had a boyfriend called Ross
Whose penis she would toss
And.... he would jizz all over her face.

So My Plans For Tomorrow Are....

My plans consist of going to turn on the hose at the allotment to fill up my friends fathers water butt as me and my other friend are watering their allotment whilst they are away on holiday and the water butt has run out of water D:
So I need to turn on the hose, and then walk about 15 minutes to the clinic to get some blood taken out to be tested to see if I have Diabetes or whatever is causing me to be so thirsty all the time so that should be fun. I'm then going back to the allotment to check the water level and if it hasn't risen to my standards then I shall sit and read my Cromwell book for a while - because it's going to be sunny, and it's quiet there so I don't mind. Then come back home and either do some working out on the Wii if my arm allows it (don't know how achey it's going to be after the blood test) or might just lounge around with my book.
And if my arm is feeling alright I will help my friend water the allotment, but if not her boyfriend is going to help her so yeah..... that's my plan!